Conflict
Brooke Rosolino
I reconnected with an old friend, Brooke Rosolino recently and I recently invited myself on her podcast Work Therapy. She is a consultant for n’good company. I reached out to her because I’ve been spending a lot of time on LinkedIn and saw some of the content she was putting out. I am NOT a fan of most LinkedIn posts, but Brooke’s stuff is pretty freakin’ good. We got on the phone and I was blown away by the work she was doing. And, naturally, I invited myself to be on her podcast.
We had a random topic to discuss as people send it topics they’d are thinking on. This one happened to cover one of my favorite topics - - - conflict. While I think the podcast is good (and short), I think having a bit more of a framework could actually help you think (and feel) through conflict.
A Praxis for Conflict
Growing up, the main way I was taught to deal with conflict was through loud noises. I learned how to deal with conflict because of what was modeled in my home (which is a scary thought as I consider my actions are teaching my own children). However, there is a better way, but it has to be learned and practiced, which is exactly what praxis means… practice!
A theory is (hopefully) good thinking that can come from leaders, practitioners, counselors, philosophers, or religious leaders that give you a new framework to think through issues. As you draw from these theoretical frameworks and integrate them into your life, the idea is you form a new praxis (practice), a new and better way, informed by better models, that leads you to more life.
In my estimation, whether at work or in relationship, there can be no true unity (check out Patrick Lencioni’s Four Obsessions). One day I found 6 individually laminated neon cards with the fabled papyrus font in my collection of pamphlets and tools I’d collected over the years. They were not in any particular order and did not come with a set instructions. I don’t remember receiving them, but I used it to create a model to help myself process before and during an actual conflict. I’ve used it with personally and helped different business partners, marriages, friends, non-profit leaders all navigate through some intense situations. Not only that, I’ve seen a measure of success. Not only where issues resolved, but often those involved left with a deeper sense of unity (and given some of the topics, it is shocking) and actually, genuine peace.
So here is a new theory on conflict:
Conflict is neither positive or negative. It just is a reality of life. The effect of conflict is either experienced as positive or negative based on the way you handle it. Conflict done well is actually an invitation into what (most) everyone wants - healthy personal and professional relationships. Check out the framework below:
Conflict!
The Steps:
I go over this briefly in my podcast with Brooke, but here are some guidelines that will help you navigate conflict. I find it best to think (and feel) your way through it by writing it out first and verbally processing with a trusted advisor prior to engaging in conflict. Ideally when confronting (or evening being confronted), both parties will have seen or used the model. But even if being confronted, you can help guide the conflict to a health resolution keeping this frame work in mind.
The Rules - there are really only two rules. Only deal with one issue at a time. Most often, the first issue brought up is really NOT the issue. And when someone is wiling to engage, it becomes clear that there are usually only one or possibly two issues to resolve. And second, don’t dog-cuss the other person. While I think the well-timed swear word can help clarify what is going on, tearing another person to shreds rarely brings unity and peace.
Draw the circle around you. Take responsibility for your thoughts, emotions and behaviors. Own what you you’ve done wrong, what you think, what you feel and what you want. Do not blame the other person for the issues you both are facing - own your life! And for heaven’s sake, use the right pronouns (don’t talk in third person!). Use phrases like “I think this is negatively effecting my ability to work” or “when this event happened, I felt anger.”
Talk about your experience. When you do need to address issues the other person is causing, it is NOT helpful to simply tell them all the things they are doing wrong. Most people don’t have an accurate, nor honest view of how others experience them because most often, people don’t share it. So a helpful phrase is, “this is how I experienced you when the ____ occurred.”
Learn the difference between thoughts and emotions. I cannot tell you how many times I hear someone say, “I just feel like you are wrong.” Newsflash, that is not a feeling. As you learn to differentiate between thoughts and emotions, you will personally gain more clarity on the issue at hand. When you clearly articulate what you think and feel others will feel the weight of who you are; there will be something to you.
A thought is the past tense of the word think which means to conceive in the mind - it is an idea or an opinion. Expressing what you actually think can be a dangerous activity. Which is why it is important to clearly articulate what you think and differentiate it from your feelings.
A feeling or emotion is an instinctive or intuitive feeling as distinguished from reasoning or knowledge. Emotions are positive in nature and serve a purpose. They give us energy to act. Maturity comes from the ability to differentiate between thoughts and emotions.
Needs - In our relationships at home or at work, we have relational needs. For example, in your work environment, you might need others to respect you (this is not a bad thing, by the way) and treat you with honor (honoring who you are without stumbling over who you are not). Or at home you might need a little appreciation. You might have a desire for your spouse to simply articulate a “thank you” when you’ve done something for them. When those needs go unmet we tend to get a little pissed. Learning how to express those in a healthy way will lead to a more fulfilled life.
What do you propose? Henry Ford is purported to have said, “Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason so few engage in it.” I would agree, mostly because our emotions play a massive role in clearly thinking. This is when you lay out, with clarity, what you expect out of the conflict. The more clear you are, the more clear your partner in crime will be on how to remedy the situation (and vice-versa). The most important thing is for both parties to be as clear as possible in order to move through conflict well.
Where you stand - Now we all have conflict, some is minor and some is life-altering. The final step is clarifying where you stand on the issue… meaning, you may believe so strongly that you are correct, that if the other person does not work either agree (or at least agree to work through it with you), the relationship, the partnership, might end. Henry Cloud and John Townsend have some helpful resources on this topic in Boundaries and Necessary Endings.
I hope you find this helpful.
JS Bower
