Leadership
“What counts is the leader’s presence and being, not technique and know-how”
Lt. Col. Dan Tarbutton, the SVP of Marketing & Community Services at Irvine Company embodies that quote from Friedman’s A Failure of Nerve. I’ve been trying to sell Dan and through that process established a relationship and recently hosted him on the Around the Bonfire Podcast. When everyone wants your attention, time and money, it is easy to become rather short with people. However, I’ve found Dan to be the opposite. He is marked by a joyful presence. And given his vocational track record, I wanted to speak with him about leadership.
Leadership is something that simply fascinates me. I love the act of leading. I’d like to think I am at my best when I am casting vision, giving direction, or leading a group of people in the midst of a crisis, conflict or transition. And I also enjoy learning from other leaders, which is why I asked Dan to speak with me on his life as a leader, both in the Marines and in the private sector.
I’ve recently come across the psychological framework called Bowen Family System Theory. It has fascinated me as I’ve thought through not only my role as a husband and as a father, but also how it pertains to each organizational system (ex: in my role as CEO at Bonfire). Friedman, a disciple of Bowen, expanded on the theory in his book A Failure of Nerve. Much of the questions I was asking and thinking through with Dan are from this framework.
Bowen Family Systems Theory
Now before you think I am going to ask you about your father (or lest you think I care why the color yellow makes you sad), BFST is simply a lens through which to view the world. His observations pertain to how anxiety move through a system, whether it is your family, your job or the local non-profit you serve at. Anxiety isn’t inherently bad, it just is. Author Robert Green says that “anxiety is a signal that there is something you don’t understand.” And when that happens we all tend to either move towards the people in our group (togetherness) or away from those same people (separateness).
And each of us are internally striving for a balance between both our human desire for attachment (togetherness) and differentiation (separateness) and our internal process of dealing with both our thoughts and emotions. Both Bowen and Friedman champion differentiation. Those who are well differentiated are those that make for good leaders. Well differentiated men and women are the “least anxious person in the room” and have the ability to balance the tension between remaining connected to the group while being differentiated enough to lead (specifically when anxiety, chaos, change and conflict appear).
The Challenge of Leading
While I do love leading, I’ve found the most difficult person to lead is myself. However, to lead an organization, no matter the size, you must not only lead yourself, you must also be differentiated enough to withstand the onslaught of anxiety that arises when both good and bad happen. Author Robert Creech says that leadership is inherently about the future and helping those under your care do the right thing while getting there. When leading, people’s fears, doubts, criticisms, and even sabotage and betrayal all come to the forefront. And only those leaders who are clear on who they are and where they are going can withstand whitewater rapids of leading.
For all the wonderful resources on leadership and inspiration podcasts, there seems to be a complete lack of training on how to do just that. Luckily there are great practices that can be implemented do become such a leader, but that is a blog for another day.
