Give a Damn

In a previous life, my primary role was to be the Chief Give-a-Damn officer. My job, quite literally, was to give a damn about the minutia of people’s lives. For 10 years I was a pastor of a local church in Dallas. More than half my time in the pastorate was spent navigating the social and political climate from 2016-2022. There was the Trump-Clinton election, closing the border, me too movement, racial tension, and a little thing called COVID-19 (and a hundred other events I can’t remember). Not only did I have to give a damn about people personal lives, during these contentious years, many church members wanted me to speak up about the issues they cared for and often did so in not-so-subtle texts, comments and emails. At the time it seems a new life or death issue came every day. This was further exacerbated by the fact our congregation was just as divided as America with MAGA on the right and true blue-bloods on the left. Every step was fraught with tension. I either said to much or too little, and was told I was either too liberal (or not liberal enough) or too conservative (or, you guessed it, not conservative enough).

Looking back it is no wonder I flirted with nihilism. I went from giving too many damns to thinking Everything is F*cked (pardon, Mr. Mason’s language).

When I switched roles and became CEO of Bonfire, it was a welcome change to dealing with all the delicate intricacies of people to simply leading, casting vision and selling. And while I’d like to think I have enough muster and grit to become some sort of a Steve Jobs builder/destroyer of worlds, I found that completely shutting off and not giving a damn doesn’t really work for me. I am learning how to thread the needle between caring too much and caring too little.

Recently I was reminded of that balance from a podcast I did with Misty Williams. If I had to guess, she’d be something like a 2 on the Enneagram or a relationship builder on CliftonStrengths. As a digital marketer for Student Quarters, she has the role of connecting her prospective students to her brand. Part of her role is then training her people on how to connect. At the same time, I’ve experienced Misty, who is one of our customers, as a shrewd, “let’s get down to business,”woman. With Misty, I think she actually gives a damn about me while operating with a data driven, analytical mindset. Or as she posted, “if content is king, data is queen.” I am quite impressed with her ability to navigate between connection and following the data.

Give a Damn

When I left my role as pastor, I had zero damns left to give. That bled out into other areas, and thanks to people like Misty, I’ve been reminded how important genuine connection is and the importance of caring about people. It turns out, it is good for business and good for your life. When people feel like you care about them and, at least for a moment, enter into their world, trust is established. It looks like Jesus’ Golden Rule, and Marcus Aurelius where right in thinking about how treating others with justice can help you connect to your clients, customers, business partners and family members.

I believe we are hardwired to connect to others. And when we are not well-connected, it can lead to dark places. According to the attachment theory, humans are wired to attach (or connect) to people (and things), and do so by interacting over and over again. Yet, in a digital age, connection has become out of practice, so I wanted to offer a few simple practices to connect. Think about them as bio-hacking (tricking) your brain into giving a damn.

Raising your Eyebrows (and smile)

I’m not joking. As humans, we all want to connect with someone who is glad to be with us. That is my definition of joy. Joy is experienced when someone is genuinely glad to be with you. And your brain knows instantly if someone is glad to be with you. The relational (feeling) side of your brain fires 6 cycles per second compared to the cognitive (language) side (5 cycles per second). That means before you can cognitively articulate whether or not the person is faking a smile, their feeling brain is thinking, “alright, John is glad to be with me.” In a day and age where people are starved for healthy connection, you can actually be one who connects by simply raising your eyebrows and smiling at others.

The Need behind the Deed

This is something I have to remind myself of often: “people don’t act stupid for no reason.” In order to establish a genuine connection (and keep a good connection going and healthy), I have to keep in mind that stress and pain are a part of life. And that when people are acting foolish there is a reason for stupid behavior. Now I might be part of the reason for their behavior (it might even by my fault!), but I constantly have to humanize those with whom I interact. I must remind myself that being human means suffering, stress and pain. And those realities drive people. I am not out to make excuses for stupidity, rather make a path for connection. And when I fail to see or understand the need behind the deed, I have then fall back to honor.

Honor

I once learned honor is honoring who someone is, without stumbling over who they are not. When someone does something rather stupid to me, I am tempted to judge the mess out of them. Left unchecked, that judgement (even if it is accurate), can build up a ton of resentment. Resentment then builds up and impedes any desire to actually connect. This has happened with customers, co-workers, family and friends. And we all know misery loves company and, because we are wired to connect, we want others to share in our darkness by talking crap about the person who has offended us. So not only has your connection been marred, then others are now hindered in their ability to connect to this person. Here is where I try to practice honoring people and finding the gold in them. Buried underneath the crappy behavior and poor choice of words, is a human who has something unique and valuable to offer to the world (even if no one can see it).

If you’re like me and you’ve run out of damns to give, then try these and see how it impacts your ability to connect to others.

You can check out the podcast with Misty and me on Spotify or YouTube