On Purpose
Recently Dan Oltersdorf joined me for an Around the Bonfire podcast about purpose. Upon returning to the multifamily industry, I reconnected with Dan and found we are kindred spirits; especially around the idea of purpose. Both personal and corporate purpose is something that I’ve focused on, attempted to lead others into and try to live with. However, since a massive transition in my vocation, I’ve found my purpose or, to borrow from Simon Sinek, my why, has been rather muddled.
Purpose Defined
Purpose is the reason for which something is done or create or for which something exists. Now you might lean differently on the who, the what and the how purpose is ascertained; however Victor Frankl, who wrote Man’s Search for Meaning, seems to think all humans need to find meaning in life. To Frankl, meaning is found in every moment of living and that life never ceases to have meaning, even in suffering and death, which he faced, along with millions of Jews in the concentration camps of WWII.
The question is how does one find purpose? Who determines purpose? Is it found internally, as William Ernest Henley famously wrote in Invictus? Or perhaps it is found outside one’s self, perhaps given by the universe or a deity? Either way, it seems we humans, every so often, face an existential crisis without a clearly, or at the very least, generally defined sense of purpose.
The Wall (id est: midlife crisis)
I recently enjoyed (or rather suffered through) a four day hike with old friends on the Heart Lake Trail in Colorado. Despite my constant efforts to remain in shape (did you know I CrossFit?), I was surprised to find how completely over-matched the altitude rendered my lungs. And despite my perception of my friends, many of whom are incredibly successful, I was surprised to find how many of them were wrestling with their own sense of confusion, lack of clarity and loss of mission and purpose. I guess there is something to the idea of a midlife crisis. Whether it is career, figuring out how to raise a teenager, anxiety over money, or dealing with one’s own Jungian Shadow, I believe it is a universal truth: each human will face a time, whether that time is long or short, in which deep questions arise around one’s sense of purpose and identity. Sitting here at age 43, I kinda think I’ve been at the wall, or midlife crisis, for a while.
Being with my friends reminded me of a framework around personal development. In essence we all grow through different stages of development. And kinda like having a map on a mountain, it is helpful to know where you are and how to move on to the next stage of your journey.
Stage One (Wonder) & Stage Two (Learning)
Follow your talents, not your passion
Freed from the tyrannical and/or loving rule of one’s parents, many enter their 20’s with a life-changing awareness of the joy of life. “The world is my oyster” and a desire to experience all the joy’s and pain’s of life resonates for many. As we grow and age the next stages seems to be one of learning and discovery. Here, hopefully skills, wisdom and knowledge are honed and cultivated. It might come through school or work and friends. As Scott Galloway often says, “follow your talents, not your passion.” His advice, found in The Algebra of Wealth, is a repudiation of the oft quoted, “follow your passion.” And instead, Galloway encourages young people to find and develop skills that will hopefully allow one to develop both a sense of purpose and financial stability. And Dan talked about taking those talents and gifts and figuring out who you want to give them to. Here are some resources for those interested in discovering a bit more of their talent:
Stage Three (Active Life)
Hopefully, with a sense of self-knowledge and work, most enter into the grind of work, family and community. Here we enter into the active life. For me this was around age 27 and I felt I had a deep sense of purpose and I clearly had a sense of drive. I think this stage went into my late 30’s. I helped start a business, got married, served in my community, started a family, started a non-profit, bought a home, and faced reality and felt the weight of joy, loss, pain and even disillusionment. Nearing the end of my 30’s I began to question that purpose and felt the pains of my driven personality and hit the proverbial wall.
The Wall
I am not sure when I hit the wall, but it seems I’ve been there for a minute. It might have come when I went on leave of absence for being burnt out, or when I had a traumatic brain injury a few months after having new born twins (my twins and my brain are fine, BTW). When one hits the metaphorical wall, it seems all that lies beneath the surface of our being (undealt with emotions, existential questions about the meaning of life, etc.) comes to the forefront of our reality demanding attention like a toddler who will not be ignored. You might be lucky enough to have a wonderful interior life, but as I witnessed on my hike, the wall seems to hit many, if not all, of those walking around our Pale Blue Dot. The questions, the search for meaning and purpose lead us to the next stage - the Journey Inward.
Pay no attention to the Mushrooms
Stage Four (Journey Inward)
I know much of this is metaphorical, but when things bio-hacking, drinking or ignoring your reality and the questions that arise, simply wishing them away or ignoring them won’t help for long. In fact the great Eddie Vedder offers some sound advice on the best path forward, “escape is never, the safest path.” Or if Pearl Jam is not your cup of tea, Robert Frost has a similar sentiment, “the way out is the way through.” The only way to get through this stage is by facing and then listening to the questions that come out of our being. I believe the biggest question that must be addressed and answered is “who are you?” As I’ve (and apparently many of my friends) discovered, in order to make it through the wall, one must be clear on who we are before a clarifying a deeper sense of purpose.
On Identity
Here is where I tend to disagree with Henley. Although we do play a part in determining who we are and become, I do not believe identity is something that primarily comes from within. In my 20’s and later again in my 30’s when my wife and I went through the process of adoption and foster care, I learned much about the Attachment Theory (which is apparently becoming en vogue). An attachment is a deep emotional bond that endures across space and time (shout out Anne Hathaway Interstellar character, Dr. Brand). A mentor of mine, using an Attachment Theory as a frame work, taught me that our interactions form our attachments, and our attachments shape what we love and what we love forms our identities.
A Bad Example
So, case in point. I’ve interacted with the Houston Astros since I was a kid. I’ve become emotionally (and sometimes unhealthily) attached, or bonded, to the Astros. It is safe to say, I “literally” love the Astros. So, quite literally I identify as an Astros Fan. So what does all this have to do with discovering and living into our purpose?
Our Brains (It’s Science!)
(re)Discovery of Purpose
Dr. Maya Shankar notes in our society we define ourselves by what we do. And when the WHAT goes away (career/relationship change), we are left wondering what value we bring to the world. How we identify really impacts what we do. While I am no neuroscientist, it seems our medial prefrontal cortex shapes how we view ourselves, how others view us and how we react to others perceptions of our person-hood. It would seem that our identities are shaped and formed by the drama (read: the story) we live out in the world of relationships.
So the things we interact with, the things we do, the people we are around, leave an indelible mark on who we are.
One of the most profound insights I gleaned from my adventures on a mountain with my friends was many (if not all) were searching and wrestling with deep questions that life, circumstances, family, and work are all bringing to the surface. While being among fellow travelers gave me a measure of comfort, these men also helped remind me of who I was, what motivates me and what I’d like to be doing.
So the challenge I’d like to leave you with, dear reader, is when the questions arise, don’t push them down and ignore them. Rather through some internal self-reflection, coupled with relational interaction from trusted friends and family, attempt to answer the question, “who am I” rather than, “what should I do?” It would seem prior to diving into the next adventure searching for meaning, mission and purpose, wisdom would have us remember who we are. Unfortunately, it seems this cannot be solely ascertained by alone on a mountain (although it doesn’t hurt). And technology, while making our lives tremendously more comfortable, hinders our ability (and need) to remain relational connected to those around us. Therefore it seems we must make effort to enter into the fray of relationships, pay attention to the stories our mind (and lives) are telling us, in order to remember (or perhaps discover) who we are and thinking about who you want to give those talents too.
